I am an artist!!!

My mother is a beautiful creature.

Kind

Caring

Selfless

Artistic

Level headed

Never angry

The list goes on…

So as you can guess, my mother raised me in the ways of kind gentleness. Beyond family events and the usual day to day life that was our family, she also raised me in the ways of art. My mother is a painter, singer, an artist, so since a young gun I spent a lot of time with the arts.

I spent a lot of time very young playing with clay, the green sticks of clay that my mother used to buy for me all the time. You know, the kind that died your hands and everything it touched. Then I grew in to drawing through my school years. After I graduated high school, at the age of around 21 I started to write and record music, doing live shows and working with people as much as I could. After some time life got busier, and I sold my studio equipment so I began writing poetry and writing blogs to release this creative urge I’ve had my whole life.

And no matter how much I tried to succeed, no matter how much I grew as an artist in whatever avenue, no matter how much I took criticism and tried to do what society told me would “sell” my various works of art, money never came my way, none.

That is when I started hearing the term “starving artist”….

And I struggle to live a normal life “making a living” without using art as a way to pave the way for me financially. I feel that if I am not expressing myself in some way, that I am just not good at working the usual “american dream”.

I’m broke. Sick and tired of being sick and tired, sick and tired of barely making it. Yet I try, I try job after job, looking for a way out of the mundane, I gave up on art for the most part as I try to make a living for myself.

Yet, I feel that art is all I’m very good at. When it comes to the very mundane work of the usual, I tend to be very air headed and forgetful when it comes to having to remember stupid shit for a job that gives me no artistic stimulation at all… Whatsoever.

All I want to do is write, all I want to do is create, all I want to do is vent through an avenue that pleases my heart and soul.

And I’m struggling to not only make cash with my art, I’m struggling to make a living in general, and my excuse is I feel artists are a different breed, I definitely feel that I am.

I never had a silver spoon in my mouth and never had a family that had a bunch of extra money laying around to give me. My father kicked me out when I graduated from high school, and I have been struggling ever since. I never had him as a role model to help or teach me about growing up, or how to manage money. The only bit of advice I ever remember my father giving me was when I started dating a lot as a teen.

” I see you have a lot of pretty girls you are dating Trev, I hope you’re using a… you know. You know what happens if you don’t right?”

He asked

“Ya”

I replied.

I really loved selling video games when I graduated high school, but I made no money. My only choice with no college degree was retail pretty much, had no money for college, had no idea how to even find funding. After I graduated high school and got kicked out of my house, I had to find another higher paying job than selling video games, so I moved on to warehouse work.

I’ve worked in the warehouse industry as a material handler for about eight years before I realized that I had lived my whole adult life struggling, I was so tired of barely making it, I decided to make a change. I had a buddy I was working with who had worked in the car business on and off for roughly 10 or so years, he told me that if money was the only thing lacking in my life, that sales was the way to go. He quit and took me with him.

This business of car sales has been the most stressful job I have ever been in.

I am a soft kind person, who does not believe in pushing others to do something they do not want to do, and having people say “no” to me over and over and over, has my morale down so much. I know there is money to be made in this business, the people who have been doing this for years are proof of that, yet I see no new guys here making anything substantial.

People who come in to buy cars hate me right off the bat, due to the rep salesmen have. My boss digs in to me when I don’t sell, I have to tell people the most off the wall things to get them to buy.

A fellow salesmen told me once “If you are here for respect, if you want people and customers to respect you, you are in the wrong business”

“kindness and people liking you will not make you money, you need to be forceful”

This job is all about controlling people’s mind and wallets.

I am a person who believes in the opposite, I am not on this world to force.. Or push

And I’m more burned out than I think I’ve ever been.

Its not that  all car guys are crazy and evil, I’ve met a lot of really respectable guys in this business. It just that I do not think this alpha dog eat dog, shark job is something that my type of person is good for.

But…

I am scared because I know nowhere else to go, my only option seems to go back to my old job, which I enjoyed, but will not make enough to survive.

I am an artist, a kind guy who just wants to make a living. I love to express myself in various ways. I do not want to force anyone to do anything they do not want to do, I do not want to be rude. I wish I could make a living writing, or drawing, or making music, I’ve been trying to make connections for years with nothing to show for it but a few demo cds.

I don’t know how I’m going to make a happy living. I mean, I’m not lazy, I will work 55 hour work weeks, I don’t call in, I have no drug addictions, I don’t party etc etc.. I just cant figure it out.

I guess I’m still learning how to be an adult.

I AM AN ARTIST!!!!

and I guess at the end of the day I still have my words and art, even if I’m broke

-Trev

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2 responses to “I am an artist!!!

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