My personal vent.
I’ve always looked at myself as a calm, kind, cool guy. I’ve had a lot of friends and good people I’ve met throughout my life. I like people, I like to get to know people on a deep level, I like to really know about people, and I like feeling connected to people.
Yet, there is a detachment I face in my personal life that I can’t put my finger on, can’t decide if its an issue or a good move toward a progression of personal strength and growth.
I have people I respect,care for and enjoy being around, yet I feel no attachment to anyone. In many spiritual practices and teachings they speak of this sort of detachment as a very good thing, as many times we attach to people for the wrong things, at the wrong times, in the wrong situations for the wrong reasons.
Friendships for me are hard to explain,romantic relationships are the same. Especially cause I enjoy people so much.
I don’t feel the urge to follow any groups,or people for that matter. I get into romantic relationships and find myself in one but not attached to it.
A guru was once asked why he never got married, his response was ” How would I tell my wife I love her but I’m not attached to her”.
So I have friends,relationships, but I find myself not following up with them, not worried about a future, or what may come of the relationship, I find myself enjoying time with myself more than anything. I like working, I like doing me when I want to do it,and I have no urge to follow people around wondering if and when something will grab a hold of me.
Society would deem that a depressed statement from a depressed man. Yet I do not sit alone in sorrow, I hardly know what depression is, and to be frank I do not feel alone. As I get older I find myself more at peace with myself, I only feel the urge to hang out here and there, not much long term. And I enjoy those once in awhile connections with people because I feel like they mean more. A kind of “I’ll see ya when I see ya, but I still like you as a person”, sort of attitude.
Socially awkward? Maybe, a slight social anxiety on a rare occasion? Sure. Yet I do not feel like I have some deep seeded issue.
But society tells me I must attach to people and things, I must be a social butterfly, I must marry and have children, yet I have no urge to run around all day worrying about others and whether or not I have satisfied another’s need.
Do I lack sacrifice? Could be, but as I said I’m completely social and make friends where ever I go. This is not a situation where I have no idea how to handle relations with others, if you know me you know this.
But the ball bounces and I think I’m supposed to be tied down by love and friendships,yet a peace inside me always comes back to say ” ey, keep a distance, don’t treat this like its forever,be OK with it just being for now.
And a piece of me thinks that if I don’t want to be attached, why do I even get involved in relationships? I mean, who would want to be in a relationship with no long term attachment? Do I stay single and mingle? Do I find someone just as detached as myself? Would I be OK with someone not being attached to me like I am detached from them?
Relationships,no matter the ease of them, demand commitment, this has nothing to so with sex, I’m just talking about having to care for someone, there is a form of need that is held in such situations.
As I stated earlier, its even more strange because my type of person is Deemed as depressed and lonely, I’ve even been told ” your chosen path is a lonely road” yet I never feel alone. There was even a time years ago when a pastor told me ” your type of person should have been born in the wild west, then you could have just walked in,made an impact, and rode off in the sunset on your horse, you want to do things Trevor’s way” yet still, I do not feel alone.
I feel like all the connections I’ve made and will make, will never have me feeling like I’m alone, for a piece of me was given to that moment, and I always give pieces wherever I go. For I am here, I’ve been there, and if I’m not there, I’m always around.
Not many will understand this, I know.