Have you ever got out of a relationship or marriage and felt an extreme sense of liberation and renewal?
Suffering from compulsive dating like many people I have known I noticed myself unfortunately, getting used to that feeling. That excitement of being free from being bound, that feeling of being completely open to the world and myself, its not healthy but I think that it may have led me to bounce around even more, like a high from a drug, shoot, most of life seems to be addictions that we pursue.
Since the age of like 13 I can look back now and see from allowing myself to be single, that I have been dating one after the other for the most part.
But I also see this in many around me, and I am not here to judge as I suffer or suffered from the same thing.
This is a dangerous co dependent issue that is super unhealthy for us and our partners. Why? Because we are not (For the most part) in relationships for love or because we are in love, but because we are addicted to being with someone else and we think that is love. How deep can your heart be in something if you are only there because you want someone else to be around? (Take a look into my other relationship blogs and videos to see more on this subject of ulterior motives in relationships)
The issue with bouncing around like this is we never give ourselves time to cope, we never give ourselves time to reevaluate ourselves and who we are. We never give ourselves time for closure. This is poison to the soul because if you give a piece of your heart to someone(Sex does not always mean you gave your heart to someone) and never take the time to experience your own closure, it is almost as if your mind body and soul have been scattered through different time zones or geographical locations and you are not even whole yet. So when you bounce to the next person who will take you, the next person who is easy to date, you are a half, quarter of a person, trying to pull your full self into something, not possible folks.
Do you remember the main antagonist from Terminator 2 the movie, the T-1000? He was a shape-shifting cyborg from the future. In one scene he is literally blown to pieces, his body turns to a liquid and is splattered all over. As his prey get away he has to literally wait there as his body gets all the pieces back together before he can chase them and hopefully “terminate” them.
This is like us, we shatter, we break, our soul liquifies and is thrown all around. And instead of putting the pieces back together and then moving on, we take our baggage and issues with us.
I see this everywhere. We find partners before we are even divorced from our old ones, we are planning our life’s with another while our current relationships fail. We are so insanely in a rush to find this “love” that we compulsively search and stress over our next person who can give us this “high”. We are so impatient when it comes to these things.
But like a high, the issue here is the more you get the more you need. Not to mention the more of the “love” drug we get, the more and more it takes to get and keep us high. We gain a love tolerance, in time the high from love almost seems to be stale, bland, hopeless, chasing the love dragon if you will.
I feel almost like I am desensitized to relationships now that I am putting myself through relational rehab. The highs wore off, I started to look at myself and now I can see where in the beginning I was only doing what society said was essential for living and being a man. Yet, it was all I knew and instead of it being this “Notebook” fairy tale I had seen, it turned out to be more of a struggle.
Finally after short bursts of being single, and now diving into the single life fully, I can see how much I truly love finding myself and dealing with my shadow.
With that said though I am never giving up on the idea of a partner, someone I care for and can be myself(silly/philosophical) with. The difference this time is, I am in no rush, I enjoy being single and I enjoy doing things my way for myself. So, if it happens it does, but the addiction is starting to fade and that really makes me smile to know I am not dependent on a mate anymore.
I, you, we all can be happy with or without someone 🙂
Just put your ducks in order before trying to get out there swimming again folks. Learn to be happy without first. Take your time.