I think for me I get fucked up because I try to understand the world so much, and people, and the more I research, the more I look into things, the more confused I become LOL.
The search for “God” that I have been on for some years only really led me to more and more confusion. I thought, “I’ll get to the bottom of this”, but the more I look into: Aliens, afterlife, angels, healing, law of attraction, dreams etc. the more confused I become. Because I realize I have no idea out of the million ideas, which one would be right, and truthfully none stick with me 100%.
Truth be told why do I search and look into everything? Cause I am like everyone else, I wanna know there is meaning, I wanna know if death should be feared or embraced( if you respond telling me ‘ death is this, death is that, I know its this or that’) it is still only an opinion to me and no matter how much people repeat words, they still do not seem to stick with me. God and death are subjects everyone likes to think they know everything about. I thought I did too, truth be told I’m more confused now about the whole thing then when I didn’t even care.
And love, I hate that I have such an ill perspective of it. Perhaps I look at it so dark because I have never been able to give myself to someone long term, so I have fears that a woman would not fully give herself to me either. But as Ive said a part of me does want to find it, if its there.
I love the idea of a beautiful life, beautiful life.
A life filled with God and angels watching over me. A world where I create every single thing I see and I can warp time and space and create anything I want (Law Of Attraction). A world where there are no worries because someone is watching over me, something so powerful nothing bad can ever happen. A world where I find a woman who I cannot see myself without. Someone who makes my heart sing, someone who I could never see myself without.
A world where people were not deviously filled with ulterior motives. A place without disease, or wars backed by religion or money.
But is it all illusions of grandeur? Ignorance causing us bliss? wishful thinking?
I want to let it all be though. I want to let “God” be and if he is there I will bow and appreciate how impossible it is to even comprehend such a thing.
I want to let people and my loved ones be who they are, for what they are, pieces of imperfect perfection. I do not want to analyze people anymore, because we are all soooo different there is no way I could understand us all, shoot, I have trouble understanding myself.
And love, I want to let it be what it could be.
Love, If I find you I will know you and I will embrace you for what the world thinks you are, sorry I did not believe in you. People, I will let you be who you are without breaking down your ideas and thoughts down to their lowest, smallest organisms.
I cannot fully understand the world, or God, or people, that is ok though, who am I to think my job is to know everything? lol. But at times it freaks me out, that I cannot “Makesense” of everything( see what I did there?).
So if you have found love, I am very happy for you and I hope it is everything you have ever wanted. If you have found God, I hope you rest easy knowing you are safely guided. If you make mistakes and have fucked up some things or hurt someone, ey, no one is perfect, don’t beat yourself up over it.
All these beautiful things I doubt, all the human conditions I doubt. You gotta know a piece of me respects everyone, regardless, and I too want to see pure beauty and love, do not doubt that.
Gradually I will learn to let it all be, and just be. Because trying to figure “it” all out seems to be taking away from the beauty or the mystery that is life itself.