Here I am another late night typing what comes to my mind. Unlike many other nights though tonight at midnight I turn 28. How have I changed in a year? Where have I come on my journey of time? What have I learned?
Within the past year I have learned that the corporate 9-5 world that most people are involved in is the number one main cause that we are all slaves. You work a 9-5, you are most likely a slave. I quit my 9-5 job about a year ago and do not regret one thing. Has it been really hard at times with no money? Ya it has been. Is it worth the freedom to be me one hundred percent while writing and helping others around me? Yes it has been very nice getting to know myself and my various talents this past year. It has been one of the biggest tests of my life to try and learn how to live a life unlike the status quo, and since we are raised to be consumers I have no idea how to even start to live such a lifestyle, but gradually I am meeting more like minded people and eventually we will unite and form some type of unit.
But is has also become very apparent to me that ones currency totally affects their social standing, for the most part. I have even been told by my loved ones that I am not an active member of society because I don’t want to live the same lifestyle as they do. And not living according to a dollar has caused me to see how deep people have allowed themselves to fall for paper dyed green. I do like and want money, but I just don’t want to sell my soul for it like everybody around me has. And this causes me to be looked at as strange or lazy, when that has never been the type of person I am, strange, yea sure I can dig that, but lazy, no way, just not brainwashed.
Another thing I learned is love scares the shit out of me. I think that’s why I say the things I do about relationships and marriage. I have seen love do nothing but poison minds and families. A word used to cheat people into doing what others want. Marriage falling everywhere around me. Not growing up with a tight knit family I have not seen unconditional in my own life. So it caused me to sabotage my own relationships at a young age. Also caused me to be more co dependent towards relationships to the point where I felt incomplete and obsessed if I was single. Couldn’t even reflect on my own life enough until a few years ago to know and contemplate that I was cheating on every woman I was dating. Once again obsessed with the idea of just being with more women, wanted them all!
Kids, lol I don’t think I want kids. And its funny because when I was younger I used to say “God, what kind of evil sick person doesn’t want to have kids and spread that love?” But now I kind of see that there is huge over population problem and people need to slow down anyways, figured I would start with myself, people and they’re “mine, mine, mine, more,more” mentality has caused them to over produce human beings. I think I can accomplish more if I stay with out the extra “baggage” anyway lol I have nieces and nephews and I will give my love to them as they are amazing. That’s all I need, they love me as if I were their father so that is enough for me.
I want to believe in love I do. And I like the thought of it, I do. A woman like me who I could talk to about society, spirituality, psychology and making a true difference in the world?? Sounds awesome! A woman who knew my heart who I could express my all to knowing I wouldn’t be judged, and that would genuinely understand me. Someone who loved truth so much they would die to spread it and promote a world where people could live as free as they wish. This all sounds great to me, but unfortunately I have not met someone as true as myself, ever. I am willing to wait and finally am not obsessed with the idea of dating and love myself enough to not worry if I find that person or not.
I have problems trusting people. I know what I know and I know I can be trusted and I trust myself but people almost always have some ulterior motives and I see them for who they are. Men are disrespectful and over bearing and it makes me uncomfortable and sick that they act in such ways, so I don’t see myself connecting with too many of them. Women, well women when I was younger I was scared to even be friends with as I literally wanted to have sex with every girl in the world. But now I have matured and prefer the company of women as they are kinder usually and more welcoming than men. I just feel more like I can be myself around them.
God – I cant say I believe in a “God” as people would think of it as described in religion and such. I think the thing that is everything is nature, not nature as in mother earth but I think the way things are is not because of some being that is human like in a robe who writes how this thing plays out. I actually give credit to nature for just being really fucking cool, and I think it doesn’t need or want praise for that, as it just is. I also think life is a dream just like when we sleep, but this form of dream seems to have a time sequence different from the sleeping dream. This can be seen and is described in many various religions and scientific ways.
Though I have issues with trusting people, I have come to a point in my life where I love them more. Even though it seems that many peoples lifestyles lead them to lie and cheat, I have more compassion for them. As I have studied the world and psychology more It becomes easy for me to see why the state of the human is so broken. And the state of our minds has caused a lot of sadness in this world, I plan to use what I have learned to help others live happier more fulfilled lives. Making people smile and feel good really does something to me as I get older. And A 9-5 job that doesn’t help anyone just sounds completely pointless to me with what I feel my destiny is. I would feel as if I wasted my life if I lived in such a way.
Lastly, I really love people, through the treachery and deceit Ive seen. I do want to believe in a world of peace and love true love between two people, I do want to believe that true love is out there for myself and others. At times I feel like the impact I’m trying to make is not enough, and that hurts me, as I want to do something big
to help somewhere. But I am learning to know that that is a part of the human issue of always wanting to do something big, I should be ok with the impact I make no matter how large or small it is. I hope to meet more like minded souls in person as I get my writing and work out “there”. And some day hope to open a company where we make it our goal to make people smile 🙂 happy birthday to me ❤